From the moment Andrew and Shamus struck the first bar chords, I knew this was going to be a bad gig. Die Laughing didn’t want us to be there, and Shamus was so pissed I don’t know how he was holding the bass, let alone playing it. The whole evening had built up to a head. In our minds, we had so much to prove. To ourselves and the ten people there. We just wanted to play the great gig we had been rehearsing for, get signed, and tour the world.

Yes, this does sound like the beginning of a ‘loser’ band’s tale of woe, but this is not just the story of a band that didn't get anywhere. We may not have made a mark in the history books, but to me this band, and the events that took place at this time, will always be special. For a number of years it was everything to us. These were our formative years. Which made us who we are and influenced who we are going to be.

Chapter One: Boys to ‘near’ men.
The Absolute Zeros were formed by Andrew, Ed and I. You could say we were school friends, but as you will read that’s not quite the case. Andrew and I were both in the school jazz band. I played trombone, and Andrew played trumpet. Andrew was very good. Him and Philip Nicholas were the ‘Daddies’ of the Trumpet section. I was a different story altogether. I would go so far as to say, I was shit. I didn't have the confidence to be any good. I’d been playing for a number of years, and although for the most part my playing was adequate, I didn’t have the desire or underpinning knowledge of music to progress further. I stuck with it for a while longer, but after my first year at Exeter College, I soon gave up playing the trombone altogether. These Jazz bands were what brought Andrew and I physically together, but it wasn’t our common bond. What really linked us, was Rap and Hip Hop. Run Dmc, Public Enemy, NWA and even the Fat Boys. With this connection discovered we were inseparable.

There was about two different pass times we had. One would be, staying in listening to music and talking about girls. If we weren’t doing that, we’d be hanging around the park talking about music and looking for girls. The ‘listening to music’ and ‘talking about’, we were very good at. It was the actual ‘girls’ part that we needed help with.

My first encounter with Ed, was not what you would call friendly. All it took was a random passing in a crowded school corridor, and that was it. Maybe we didn’t like the look of each other, or maybe we were just being unfriendly school children. Whatever it was, I said something in the way of a put down to him, and he said one back. We then shoved passed each other, and so entered each others lives. Ahh, the joys of the Educational System! Ed has no recollection of this incident, but as he said himself, his memory is very selective. In my case though, this elephant never forgets. That Ed Lake was bad news, as far as I was concerned. Thinking back my first contact with Andrew was also confrontational too. A group of his mates and a group of mine, had a territorial argument. I had just moved into the area from the other side of town. Andrew and his mates, didn't like outsiders in their park. It’s strange, but I don't think I've ever liked any of my friends on first meetings. Maybe it’s a case of opposites attracting, or perhaps we are all just suckers for punishment.

Around this time, Andrew and I started to have guitar lessons together. They were with a guy called Paul. The lessons were terrible looking back at them. Paul was really slack. He’d always turn up late, and mess us about by changing lessons we’d booked way in advance. On top of this, these so called lessons took place in Big Norms guitar shop. During the opening hours. Norm lived up to his name. He was huge. I think his nickname was Gi Norm! We spent Just as much time with Norm, waiting for Paul, as actually playing guitars. He'd sit behind the counter and make us go to the daunting bikers café, to get him toasted sandwiches. The whole thing was ridiculous. There would be customers coming in and out, while these two hopeless 16 year olds tried to learn Iron Maiden covers. The only good aspect of the lessons was the equipment. We could use any of the guitars in the shop. I chose a white Less Paul copy, with gold machine heads and pick ups. I loved it. Mainly because it looked like Sex Pistol, Steve Jones’s famous white Les Paul. I was really into the Sex Pistols, and it filled me with excitement to be playing a guitar that had any connotations with them. Andrew chose a horribly bright orange Aria Pro II. At the time we both thought it was the coolest of the cool. I remember at one point he was even considering buying it. He didn’t, which was a narrow escape for us all. I don't remember us being any good really, but I expect Andrew was better than me. We were obviously learning the guitar with the intent of forming a band, but we hadn't put any real thought into it. Not until we became friends with Ed that is.

I hadn’t spoken to Ed again until we enrolled at Exeter College. We both took Media Studies and away from the ‘kill or be killed’ ethics of school, became friends very quickly. Once we actually spoken to each other, we realised there was nothing to dislike. We were probably the scourge of our Media class. Every project set, we somehow managed to shoe horn our love of rock and metal in there. A project on radio broadcast was obviously going to be a broadcast about the history or rock. Well as close to a history of the genre, as two narrow minded teenagers could manage. Every video piece we produced was sound tracked by our favourite bands and even class room presentations were somehow about Iron Maiden or some such band. Our fellow class mates must have felt a sense of dread each time our submissions were due for show. As our friendship grew, I found out Ed was learning to play the drums. He even had his own kit. Which as anyone in a band will know, is a big bonus. I think this was probably the point at which we decided, the three of us should form a band.

Andrew didn't come to college with us. He'd had enough of education. We all hated High School. You talk to any of my friends that went to St Thomas High school. They will tell you just how shit it was. Get Ed started on that one and the venom, with which he talks about that place will scare you. For Andrew, I think he thought college would just be more of the same. He managed to get a job in a bank, and for a while this suited him fine. He was very happy to be earning money. Plus he didn’t have to think about the home work, he saw us lumbered with.

Going to college hadn’t really made much of a change on my life at this stage. In the evenings, Andrew and I probably did the same things we’d done a year ago. I do remember us being pretty desperate to get involved with the opposite sex. We both really liked these two girls that still played in the school jazz band. Becky was third trombone, and I had been second. This meant that during my time there, we sat next to each other. I fancied her so much. Since we’d now left and gone to College, I think we missed it. Well we definitely missed certain people. We weren’t quite ready to let go yet. So using our inside knowledge, we knew when it was break time for the jazz band, and made sure we hung about at the school to coincide. Basically to try and see these girls we liked. It was quite sad really but you’ve got to do it when you’re that age. Damn those hormones. Well the gist of it was, after a few weeks of doing this we got blown out completely. They weren’t interested in us, there was plenty of other ‘cooler’, probably older guys about. It’s funny because years later Becky lived just round the corner from my Parents. Every time I saw her I couldn’t help laughing. Not at her, but at how stupid I must have seemed at the time. I didn’t even have the courage to ask her if she liked me. I had to get Andrew to do it for me. There again he was no better. He made me do the same thing, with Emma.

The next member of this non-existent band to join, was Trev. He was introduced to us by Ed, but both Andrew and I knew him from school. Trev was a very funny bloke and extremely crude with it. He too had his own equipment, and was learning the ropes. So we now had three guitarists that couldn't really play, and a drummer. Trev and I really were basic. We could hardly handle two note bar chords, that's how bad we were. Andrew was better, but even he wasn’t that skilled yet. We just wanted to form a band. It didn't matter about being able to play or not. Not yet anyway. Enthusiasm was driving us, and we had plenty of that.

As well as Media Studies, I was studying Graphic Design. Before my interest in music had blossomed, I was really into comic art. This played a big part in me taking the subject. I was also really into punk graphics, especially the stuff Jamie Reid had done for the Sex Pistols. That's the sort of work I wanted to be doing. Something challenging and thought provoking. Unfortunately that's not what the lecturer Jim Kennedy wanted. We didn't see eye to eye at all. Nothing I produced was good enough for him, and in the end I failed the course. I should have worked harder, but you can only take so much criticism before you get disheartened. I could also have done with a bit of guidance or encouragement. Mr Kennedy provided neither. To be honest I wasn’t very interested in education at this point. I just wanted to have fun, be in a band, or go to the pub.

The one good thing that came out of those Graphics lessons, was our final band member. Shamus joined the course at the start of my second year. He was taking an extra year, to get a better port folio together, so he could get a University place. Since the first day I met him, Shamus always looked like your typical rock boy. Thin tight trousers, white base ball boots, long shirts and wild long hair. I still think of him as looking like that now. Who knows maybe he still does. It was at the end of a long Monday, that we got talking about the band. As coincidences go this was a good one. Shamus turned out to be a bassist who was looking for a band to join. So that was that, we now had a band.

FIRST LINE UP.

Trev Bristow = Guitar
Andrew Collins = Guitar
Jake Dyer = Guitar
Ed Lake = Drums
Shamus Pitts = Bass